Hidden Haven

I find that I don't really get angry anymore, just intolerably depressed. I don't think there's been a weekend this month where I haven't bawled my eyes out. And where there used to be a constant paranoia for the supernatural and of being assaulted and killed by a malevolent spirit, I find that there is now a want to disappear by means of some unexplainable cause, brutally violent or mercifully quick...it doesn't matter anymore.

I just know that now, in the first month of my second trimester, my emotions have gone through a hellbitch of a roller coaster ride and would do any-fuckin'-thing to make it all stop. If these are the kinds of mood swings I'm supposed to experience while pregnant, fuck 'em all.

It desperately makes me wish that if cutting away my entire reproductive system would make it all stop hurting, I'd do it gladly.

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Oh, to be young again... No, really, if I were younger, I'd be all "bro, go tap that ass", but I'm not because I know better. And because you're only one year my junior, I assumed you'd be mature enough to understand as well, but I guess I can't be that fortunate.

Is it really so difficult for you to look back on your life and think that maybe, just maybe, instead of your life being one thing after another, it's actually the same damn thing over and over?

It disappoints me A LOT that you would continuously put yourself in the same kind of situation and not gain anything out of it, like...oh, I don't know, a life lesson. And the really, genuinely frustrating and undeniably irritating thing about it is that when I call you out on it, you have the absolute gall to say that -I'm- being pathetic. Tell me, oh great poetic god of honeyed sex, how am I being pathetic when all I see is a bunch of bimbo adolescents throwing themselves at your dick and stroking your ego and you -basking- in the meaningless attention they give you.

I mean, if that's what you really want out of your life, my bad for trying to tell you that you're better than this. Clearly I made a grave judgment in error when I thought you were capable of making something out of yourself.

Go on then. Keep doing what you're doing. When you finally get to the point where you start questioning just where the fuck you went wrong, don't come looking for advice from me. I'll straight up tell you that talking to me is pointless because you won't give a flying fuck to what I have to say. Might as well find some other cute, working bimbo who'll easily spread her legs for you at a single seductive wink and try to solve your life crises from there too!

Seriously, unless I see that you are making a concentrated effort to look for something worthwhile, that you absolutely love, I'm done trying to help you. Go fuck yourself.

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I blame my hormones, though really I'm still trying to figure out how much of it really is hormones and how much of it is just me.

I've been feeling quite depressed lately, crying in the car, crying when I'm alone, crying now...and it's all over things I imagine and scenarios of what if's. Sometimes I really do just feel like a breathing vessel for my baby with no other purpose in my life and that the only reason why I'm still around is because I carry a life inside of me.

It makes me wish there was some divine will that would strike me down and kill me on the spot, or hell, if my house was haunted by Asian ghosts prone to mutilating human bodies and completely destroying human souls, I don't think I'd be as scared as I usually am anymore.

I just really really need the reassurance right now that I'm still me, that I'm still a significant part of society...instead of just my baby's mother.

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So...um, I'm pregnant. About two months along now. Normally, I think I'd be pretty ecstatic now, but given the fact that the father of the child and I are just roommates and don't date each other, things are a bit complicated.

And I'm pretty much stuck worrying over how things are and how I think things should be and how I see things panning out over the next few years.

I know the primary focus is just to make sure I stay healthy and that I deliver a healthy, bouncy baby, but I can't help but worry. We're started arguing about schools and parenting and what'll happen between him and myself. As far as relationships go, we dated years ago, on and off, and we're still best friends, but we fell out of love with each other long ago. We're not compatible but we're companionable.

Today I told him that it might be in our best interests to have a committed relationship, not necessarily marriage. I want the baby to grow up in a stable household. I've also stated that, for my part, I wasn't going to go have secret trysts with other men while my kid still lives with me. I want my child to grow up in a stable household, not one where there's mommy, daddy, Mike, Tom, and Brad.

I understand that, yes, surrendering myself to this type of arrangement isn't likely going to make me happy and that the happiness between parents is also key to a good familial relationship. I also was reminded that, in this day and age, there are so many single parents out there that the concept of a nuclear family is becoming very much a novelty.

But if being exclusive, if not to the father, than just to my child, will help stave away the possible insecurity of feeling unloved because mommy and daddy chose to be with other people and start families of their own, leaving the. child to be torn between two families, then I will do what I can to ensure that my child never feels abandoned by me.

Because I know that he wants more children...just not with me.

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She looks like another actress here. I can't place my finger on it though. It's one of those things where I leave the page, and during that transition where I turn back to this page, I have the name on the tip of my tongue but then I lose it again.

Halp? ^ ^;;

It's weird that I'm posting this here instead of on my other blog where no one from here will know anything about it. Maybe I just subconsciously want someone who knows about the shit going on to perchance hop back onto their LJ accounts to listen to...I don't know, the truth of life.

The thing is, I feel like I'm witnessing a complete backpedal of something that I feel could've been done more cleanly that it really was. I feel like I'm on set for some random high school tv show, and it makes me rather disinclined to contribute anything further.

Human nature makes us petty, selfish, and insecure in our worst of times. It brings out the need to hoard everything closer to oneself, leaving consideration for no one else. In the meantime, second parties and bystanders are flailing about, trying to grasp onto what little they do not have, clinging onto any last measure of hope they can find.

I hate that.

I understand that the desperation of other people should be of no concern of mine and that whatever punishment another person is suffering, no matter how severe their crime, shouldn't affect me.

But it does...

It echoes in the damaged heart strings of where I once went through the exact same experiences. No one, absolutely no one deserves to be lonely. No one deserves to lose themselves so fully with no savior to pull them out. Revenge is a cruel thing, appealing only to our darker instincts, but if we give into the desire to exact revenge, how does that make us any better than they who hurt us first? We become nothing more than monsters, slaves to our own inner demons.

"You're either with us, or you're against us."

Why should we be forced to choose? Human relation is multidimensional, not so black and white as "the good side" and "the bad side". And quite frankly, I would really, really appreciate if I were able to understand everything from all sides, but I've already been barked at for implied betrayal.

The bonds created by human relations are important to me, more important than you can possibly imagine simply because I have so few tight bonds, and as much as supposed betrayal pains you, your lack of faith in me disturbs me greatly. If you decide to maintain this childish disposition and once again present me with those horrible red and blue pills, I'm sorry but as much as I'm willing to be humiliated, beaten, and tortured for your sake, as cherished as your friendship is to me, my humanity and sense of human compassion is even more precious than that...because it is that which separates me from being a mere beast of basic instinct.

What are you doing to yourself, lovey? It's all wrong now, and I can't penetrate this illusion of happiness that you've insisted on blinding yourself with.

No one ever said finding happiness is easy. Those that think it is are just deceiving themselves.

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And thought I'd post it here because I'm pretty sure quite a few people here would really, REALLY appreciate this. 

Original Link: http://www.sharenator.com/If_Harry_Potter_was_an_anime/

You can't hold that upon which you have no grasp.

How I got into this mess was of my own doing, I understand. Warring interests and views on life make for a difficult match. And now there is a rift between us, a void chasm of which neither of us can cross, and the only person I have to blame is myself.

And I will remember this day because this is the day where "forever" becomes a word filled with nothing but pain and sorrow.

I shall now hide behind all of the emotional barriers that I had previously broken down for you. You will know me but I will be a stranger to you. You will see me but will never know just how much I don't reveal. Once again I will disappear within myself and lick my wounds.

So for just a little while, a few days or weeks or months, please just let me die.

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 Just came back from the midnight showing, and personally, I was not disappointed. =)